Being transgender means having a strange dichotomy between the image of yourself as you are, and the image of yourself as you want to be. That dichotomy gets even stranger as your transition progresses, and the image that has been burned into your mind as who you are no longer matches your actual physical appearance. I’ve shared my timeline before, but the gradual changes from before I came out to a year into HRT are one thing, and the before and after of nearly two years since coming out is a stark contrast.
I often try to avoid the political. I avoid it with my family. I avoid it on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve avoided it with this blog. I quietly unfriend and unfollow people who post blatant political posts that I vehemently disagree with. If you were pro-Trump at any point in time that I saw on my social media feeds, then I likely removed you months ago, because we simply can’t be friends on those feeds. This applies to family, friends, and acquaintances alike. It’s nothing personal, or, well I suppose I should say that it wasn’t personal until recently.
Seven months ago I wrote about names, and what the term deadname meant to me. Today, my old name is officially dead. I still hate the word, but there’s something cathartic about saying it. The person isn’t dead. I’m still here and writing these blog posts, but the name is currently in the process of being buried.
Content warning: Not safe for work. Discussions of porn on the internet, including rape. If you’re my parents, you should probably skip this one.
The internet has a strange obsession with gender swapping, and the past week has been rife with with it thanks to a Nintendo Direct in which it was announced that Toadette would be a playable character in New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe. In addition to being playable, Toadette would have a unique powerup, the Super Crown, which would turn her into Peachette, a mashup of Princess Peach and Toadette.
Lindsay Ellis recently released a video about manufacturing authenticity on YouTube. I’d like to think a lot of her points don’t really apply to my blog, but the more I think about it the more wrong that initial assumption might be. I am very much manufacturing an identity for myself, and doing so for my personal gains, however small those gains might be. I have a Patreon, that I’m spending more money on other creators than I’m making myself. I have Google Adsense running, that has net me a grand total of $23.73 since the start of my account as of writing this post. So while I might not be successful marketing myself as an internet personality, I’m still manufacturing a version of myself to be sold online.
I’m going to start with a story that I don’t think I’ve shared with anyone before. When I got hired on at my current company, they gave me a form to fill out. The HR representative explained to me that they get a tax credit for diversity in hiring practices. I didn’t have to out myself as anything. All I had to do was check a box. I hesitated for longer than I care to admit. My brain swirling with indecision and fear and doubt as I read through the list what the state considered diverse. I hesitated because it listed being transgender. Noticing my hesitation, the HR representative started clarifying the form more, also mentioning that depression and anxiety count.
I checked the box.
Dysphoria is defined as a state of unease or general dissatisfaction with life. As someone who has fought depression, anxiety, body issues, and gender issues for as long as she can remember, I am well acquainted with the concept and many of its permutations. Even before learning what dysphoria was, I experienced it, which I think is honestly the most frustrating part of dealing with it. It is impossible to talk about something you don’t even understand yourself, especially if you don’t even know there’s a term for those experiences. It is something I’ve struggled with throughout my life, but only in the past five years have come to understanding it as gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is the term for what transgender people experience in regards to the gender they were assigned at birth. What I would learn as I researched and read about transgender issues in my attempts to make sense of the feelings not only enlightened my past, but also made dealing with that same dysphoria even more difficult.Continue reading “Waves of Dysphoria: An Emotional FedEx Arrow”
Pride is something I’m still struggling to understand, and since it’s pride month I thought it would be a good idea to put my thoughts down. Pride means so many things to so many people. More than anything, I think it means being proud of who you are as a person. That is something I’ve struggled with my entire life.Continue reading “Pride”
I started this blog because my therapist recommended I start a journal. So I followed her advice and I started by writing down my story in a Google doc. I shared the initial draft with my friends, and thought I might as well put it online. That first doc is what became the first two posts of this blog.
Since then things have been crazy. It’s gotten far more reach than I ever could have expected. So now I’ve decided to join Patreon.
You don’t have to worry though, as none of my posts will be marked as patron only. I will never lock content behind a paywall. Instead, I’m offering early sneak peaks at my work in progress posts, and the chance to vote on and suggest future topics to write about! Exciting!
So if you like my content, and want to support me spending my free time posting about my life story and experiences, click the link and become my patron.
Thank you so much for reading. <3